Signs of Narcissism in Your Marriage
Do you live with someone who puts you down and insults you? If so we want to help bring peace and security to your home.
Does Someone Close to You Show Signs of Narcissism?
Today I want to share some of my family’s history with you that I hope may help bring peace to your home.
We have gone public with our story to help you recognise and deal with the problems associated with a Narcissistic / Codependent Marriage.”
After years of fighting, I was directed to information which led me to suspect that Steve was suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (sometimes also known as Narcissism or NPD).
When I talked to the professionals they said there was no cure and treated me like an idiot for believing our marriage could improve and Steve could get better. They told me outright I should change the locks and file for a divorce.”
Steve’s behaviour was hurting me, but I refused to abandon him. In my heart I knew that leaving was the wrong thing for me to do.
I knew there had to be answers and I sought all the help and advice I could find. When none of this helped, I started looking beyond traditional marriage advice to corporate leadership training and parent skills training and at last stumbled on the first of the steps I would take that finally ended the fighting.
I started my research all over again and began to use trial and error.”
People were still telling me I was stupid not to leave, but I was determined and hopeful that there must be a way I could bring peace and security to our lives.
You must understand I am not saying this was all Steve’s fault. Back then I was focused on Steve being the problem but I was about to come face to face with my own role in our sad ‘dance’.
Narcissism and Codependence are very common patterns of behaviour which, now I know can be overcome.
Narcissism in Your Marriage Looks Like This . . .
Does your partner treat you (and your children) different in private than in public?
In public they may pretend to be the perfect husband, father, wife or mother . . . While in private they act sarcastic, haughty and insulting and put people down (even their friends) behind their back.”
A person with signs of Narcissism will show little regard for your feelings and well-being and may act like they are better than you. They may be arrogant, withdrawn and unavailable and show favouritism between your children.
Their criticism and insults may cause you and/or your children to feel rejected and hurt and this can lead to mental health and psychological problems and addictions in your family.”
A person with signs of Narcissism may get angry when they are questioned and may believe they deserve things they haven’t earned. They will trade off other people’s reputation and hard work and will tell lies and manipulate people to get attention. At the same time they are doing this they will also act charming and perfect and make other people believe they are a wonderful father or mother or an all-round great guy or gal.
You may fear people won’t believe you if you disclose how they talk to you in private – or share the terrible things they say behind other people’s backs.”
Both Women and Men Can Show Signs of Narcissism
I write from Steve and my experience, but there are women who suffer from a Narcissistic view on life; the statistics say more men than women suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder and our audience is about 70/30 women to men.
Female narcissists cause their husbands just as much pain and humiliation and cause just as much chaos and destruction in their lives.
But it’s not black and white or men versus women. Most of us have narcissistic tendencies which can affect our relationships badly. Learning to deal with Steve’s narcissism helped me face my own narcissistic side too. It is easy to see in others but much harder to see in ourselves.”
Unfortunately That’s Not All
A narcissistic partner will lie and paint a bad picture of you to their family and friends. They will do this to try to gain sympathy from them and justify their bad behaviour.
You probably have no idea of all of the lies they are telling you and the lies and exaggerations they are telling other people about you. Scapegoating other people for your problems is one of the major signs of narcissism.”
Fights about money
Your partner creating fights when you try to discuss money is one of the most common signs of narcissism. They will pretend these fights are your fault, but you should know that in reality they may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you.
Narcissists are obsessed with the fantasy of a perfect relationship, and are usually skilled liars, because of this they may have secret crushes or be having affairs, using pornography and/or conducting ‘cyber’ affairs without your knowledge . . . If you notice their mind often appears elsewhere, and they show other signs of narcissism, you should be aware that this may be the reason.
Obsession with fantasy is part of what makes a person with narcissistic tendencies unavailable, impatient and angry. It is one of the major signs of a narcissism. You may not want to consider this possibility, I know I didn’t believe it until the evidence was right in front of me . . . and then I was shattered.”
Unfortunately There’s More . . .
“The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either as it is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down.”
After years of their insults, rudeness and blaming you for everything that is wrong in their life, it’s even normal (especially if you discover that throughout all of this that they have been cheating on you) for you to wish them harm or even wish them dead. This is obviously very serious and so getting (the right) help and support is very important, but can nearly be impossible to find.
We want to see you moving past feeling resentful and wanting to punish you partner (or wanting revenge) to feeling secure and good about yourself and moving into a new time in your life where you are loved, respected and valued in your community and in your home.”
There are people who will tell you that the only answer is to ‘leave and have no contact’, but this is very dangerous advice. This is exactly how to provoke and escalate rage and physical (and emotional) abuse and violence in couples with these problems. It may also result in stalking. Even worse (as the partner of a narcissist will often feel enraged at how callously their spouse can ‘cast them aside’) the perpetrator of the violence and stalking might be you!
More people are killed or injured in domestic disputes when leaving their relationship (or in the two months after leaving) than at any other time.”
If you want to leave, please get our advice in Back From the Looking Glass first on how to do this safely and how to get closure. You need to consider that moving somewhere else may put you on even less sure footing than you are already and is no guarantee the fighting will cease or that you will be safer. Instead statistics show that it will often make the fighting worse.
Narcissism is blind to itself and so don’t expect your partner to want to fix this. Instead we offer you training and skills that will help make you emotionally and physically safer and will help bring you love and respect in your community and in your home.
Do you sometimes worry that yourself or your partner will need years of therapy to get better? I once believed this was the only thing that would help Steve, but I was wrong and it was very different steps that turned our marriage around.
I struggled with this problem for years on my own and it was one of the hardest times of my life.
There is a lot of evidence that therapy is not successful in treating narcissistic personality disorder anyway and the experts have admitted that they really don’t have a great understanding of this disorder or any answers — and so don’t worry — you won’t need to try and coerce your partner into therapy. Personality disorders are best helped with a reparative relationship. This is why we sometimes call our approach ‘parenting the adult’; Just as learning new parenting skills can help a child feel safe and learn better behaviour, I want to help you learn new ways of responding and relating to your partner that will help de-escalate the fights.
I will share exactly what to do and I will give you each step in detail with all the common mistakes you should avoid.
I hope that sharing our experience will protect you from some of the mistakes we made and the bitter and nasty people I ran into when I first discovered Steve’s narcissism. We have information you can put to use immediately and advice on how to find the right professionals to help.
I look forward to sharing the steps I took to fix our marriage even when everyone said it was hopeless.
It took us a long time to go public with our story, but after things had been better with us for a few years we decided that we just couldn’t stay quiet any longer.”
We saw so many people suffering that we decided we just had to speak up. It was embarrassing at first, but receiving thank you emails every day has more than made up for how difficult it was to speak out.
The First Step
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Immediately after subscribing you will gain access to the (free) private pages which will teach you 3 things you need to stop doing immediately which only make the fighting worse. Your subscription will give you access to lots more information including exercises to improve your emotional competence.
All of this is completely free.
If you have subscribed already – just enter the same details to see these private pages again.”
I also look forward to sharing what I have learned about codependence (which we prefer to call emotional dependence), which explains why some people are repeatedly attracted to people with a Narcissistic view on life. Narcissism and Codependence are sometimes called ‘a dance’ (of destruction and despair) . . .
- Have you had difficulty forming happy and peaceful relationships?
- Has attracting lasting love been painful for you?
- Do you often feel emotionally neglected and in despair?
- Have you had more than one troubled relationship in your life?
I want to share with you how I put a stop to the abuse and learned how to stand up for myself better and how this changed everything for me and also helped Steve.